Not the problem
Alright, I’ve told you all that hearing Jen Hamilton share her story really helped me, and I wanted to share the what-feels-embarrassing-but-should-not-be-embarrassing reason why.
Since my separation in October of last year, I’ve felt allll the feels - anger, hurt, sadness. But also relief, joy, peace. But there is another one that doesn’t get talked about as much: embarrassment and shame. Especially when the person who leaves identifies you as the source of their problems.
Now I’m fairly confident in who I am. I know that I’m not perfect, but I know what my strengths are and my weaknesses too, and honestly I embrace them all at this point. But it really did feel humiliating to have my spouse walk away like that after I had put so much into the relationship.
Now from day one, people would tell me it was his loss and that I’ll be better off, that I’ve always been enough, that I have not been replaced with someone better. Which I mean, is nice.
But when you’re alone with your thoughts, you start to wonder…
Is it safe to believe all that? I mean really.
Maybe I wasn’t really good enough.
Pretty enough.
Young enough.
How was I so easily replaced?
How is this other person better than me?
And your brain quickly fills in the blanks with all your shortcomings.
And then, you see it happen to someone else. And suddenly, you can see yourself through the same eyes you see this other person. Who on earth fumbles Jen Hamilton? She’s so kind, sweet, smart, funny, pretty, down to earth.
And then you see it.
Wait a minute…
I’m not Jen Hamilton but…
I’m also kind. Smart. Loving. Fiercely loyal. Self-aware. Witty.
And I’m sorry, you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone with a better sense of humor than mine. I’m happy and confident in my 47 year old body, and I clean up pretty nicely too.
And I don’t want to brag, but I can move a king size bed up a flight of stairs by myself. Ask me how I know.
And so you go from feeling outraged for Jen Hamilton, knowing she was most definitely not the problem to “you know what, maybe it’s safe for me to believe I wasn’t the problem either”.
And if Jen is sharing some not-scaredness, well I would like to share some not-the-problemness with you if you happen to recognize yourself in any of this and need it.
There is always a way to show kindness and respect, even in the most difficult situations. So if ever you find yourself being betrayed or belittled, know that none of us deserve to be treated that way. So keep your head up high and butcher some Taylor Swift lyrics:
Hi - it’s me.
Not the problem.
Not me. 😂
Thank you for letting me share my story with you. Here are the other parts I've shared so far:
